Thursday, May 30, 2013

Reflections: Seasons Change

It's amazing what can happen when you start to unload before the Lord. You might start to hesitantly reveal one thing- one heavy thing, and then you realize that it feels so very good. You begin to wonder what took you so long. The next thing you know, you've laid out more wounds, more fears, more anxieties than you had any idea were even there. The phrase "soul detox" comes to mind.

One of the many things that the Holy Spirit seemed to be drawing out of me this morning was a memory. It seems so bizarre to reflect on where I was (in so many senses) a year ago. Doctor visits, ridiculously long to-do lists, violin sessions, and first drafts of chapters that I've long-since rewritten and edited four or five times over... Afternoons by the pool, mornings swept up in worship, and great outpourings of grief and sorrow and confusion. Meanwhile, Micah was working 10-12 hour days in the heat, getting up at 2:30 in the morning to eat the fried eggs and toast and coffee I was able to prepare for him before work. But I think we were both just...grappling with our sorrow.

Strangely, the last eight months have been the longest for me- and yet so full of blessing. My role has changed; my duties have changed. I sincerely pat myself on the back every time I prepare a three dish dinner. Every accomplishment is now magnified because of how little I've been able to do, for various reasons. My housewife duties have been replaced by studying, planning, decorating, reading, making decisions, and lots of resting. It's been awfully hard to feel productive, to be honest. And Micah has traded in the manual labor for office work- only to take on an incredible amount of new responsibilities at home. Every single day, I am utterly amazed at how much grace he has for me, and how much he can accomplish without blinking an eye or grumbling.

The thing is, I want to draw the connection between that grieving housewife of a year ago and whoever I am today. It seems that a season of our life is ending. Yet another season. Soon, I will no longer be a pregnant momma. Evelyn and Micah and I will all graduate into something else, something we have never experienced, taking some shape and form of a family that I can only vaguely imagine like a silhouette- like an ultrasound photo. And all my imaginings are based on the experiences of others- but it won't be like that, I know. It will be uniquely ours, full of our own strengths and weaknesses, our very own failures and joyful blessings.

Looking back, I realize that there is one thing that connects us both to the past and the future: We are absolutely desperate for the presence, healing, and strength of the Lord. He is still all we have and all we need, and He always will be.

Natasha W.

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